Thursday, October 22, 2009

If I Ever Become a Vampire

Found this list linked from, but it's probably been floating around for a while.

  1. I shall wear tweed, and cheerful bright clothing. Further, I shall only wear trenchcoats if it is raining or foggy.

  2. I will not take my victims home. My neighbors are far too nosy.

  3. I will be secure in my immortality. I do not have to share my story with any reporter or struggling writer.

  4. I will not purchase an expensive foreign sports car or motorcycle. An economical, multi-terrain vehicle with 4 wheel drive will be just fine.

  5. I will immediately become Agnostic, disarming any cross-wielding religious maniacs.

  6. I shall not keep a coffin in the basement, that's the first place people look.

  7. I shall immediately purchase a Hooked on Phonics tape, in order to lose any Romanian accents I may have.

  8. My ghouls shall have good posture.

  9. I will purchase a digital watch with an alarm. I will set this alarm for TWO hours before sunrise, giving ample time for traffic and other inconveniences.

  10. If I feel truly alone, and need a companion to share all of eternity with, I shall purchase a dog. Preferably one that is not larger than I am.

  11. If the neighborhood kids are snooping around my house, I will not change into a giant wolf and attempt to destroy them. Instead, I shall call the police and have them arrested for trespassing.

  12. If I believe far too many people are becoming suspicious, I shall not attempt to kill them all. I will simply move, and leave no forwarding address.

  13. There is no logical reason for someone to mistake another human being for a fifteen-foot bat, not even in hysteria. Therefore, I shall refrain from such transformations in public.

  14. Artists are over-emotional and unstable. I shall not keep company with them whatsoever.

  15. I will not attend gatherings of my own kind. If I'm a lethal killing machine, doomed for all eternity to destroy those around me, they probably are too.


Anonymous said...

That's disarm in the Wookie style of disarming, right?

Lord Runolfr said...

"Disarming" could certainly have a dual meaning, in this case.

Decca said...

-applauds- I shall now have to start wearing more tweeds and bright colors ;)