The Fallen Ones (2005)

Apparently three years ago I watched The Fallen Ones starring Caspar Van Dien and did a live commentary. Heaps of badness below the fold.

• Who is this poor sucker.
• Something about Biblical giants?
• Oh! It's Lurch (from the movies).
• Ew! Snake fingers!
• Bye, Lurch.
• The "Nephillim" giants are expecting to be drowned. (Yep, Noah's flood is coming.)
• Snake-finger guy is apparently a fallen angel. He's arranging for his giant son to arise after the flood.
• Via mummification, apparently.
• Bloody sacrifices. Obviously evil.
• Hmm... giant son is not as dead as he's supposed to be.
• Fallen angel is not happy that the mummification ceremony is not going according to plan.
• Dad put him back to "sleep".
• Tom Bosley is in this? I didn't even know he was still alive.
• And after the credits we're in modern times. Looks like the American southwest.
• Caspar is a modern archaeologist, it seems.
• Caspar is the only survivor of a previous expedition because they were all stupid. Survivor's guilt as a character trait.
• Hmm. Earthquake. Caspar fell into a crevasse. What has he found? Could it be a giant mummy?
• Yep. Not sure why it would be in North America when our earlier scene was set in Sumeria.
• Introduction of a cute blond potential love interest. Naturally they don't get along well at first.
• Looks like there's a canal/pipeline subplot going on.
• Tom Bosley is our resident professor of Hebrew stuff, it seems.
• 90% of ancient texts are receipts. Who knew?
• Tom's "Jewish accent" isn't very convincing.
• That is the worst impression of a remote camera ever.
• The sacrificed slaves were put inside the giant mummy. Nasty.
• Did I mention there was an old Indian guy at the dig site? There is. And he's out at night by himself.
• And something did away with him.
• Not our giant mummy, who hasn't animated (yet).
• Are we organizing a search party for "Joseph" the Indian? So it seems.
• Four-wheeling around in a jeep is not a great way to look for a missing person.
• That's a deep chasm. Plot point?
• Apparently someone else is missing now.
• Blood spot where the next guy went missing.
• Who's the weird guy in the mauve tunic?
• Weird hostile guy.
• More tunic guys.
• Where did the old archaeologist learn to fight?
• That was a really bad fight scene.
• And the tunic guys disappeared off screen? Who wrote this?
• And the corporate interest becomes an issue, of course.
• Betrayal setup.
• Our giant's dad was apparently one of the angels who destroyed Sodom.
• And there he is lurking around modern Earth.
• And our giant mummy is starting to wake up.
• Our girl apparently knows how to ride horses. Might be convenient at some point.
• Apparently there's an upcoming lunar eclipse. Surely that's important.
• Aww. It's a budding romance.
• Mummy is missing.
• Hmm. Our fallen angel has arrived on the scene by helicopter. Introduced himself as Raphael, and turned on the charm with the girl.
• Is that Richard Kiel?
• Fallen angel apparently runs some hired security. Lots of new thugs around.
• There's a cave under where the mummy was.
• Ooops. Mummy needs to be fed.
• Oh! There's a prophecy! And it involves the lunar eclipse. Tom has found the fallen angel's name. Raphael Ammon. Ammon the Destroyer. Abbadon.
• Last request from Tom to Ammon: How did you fall from grace?
• Interesting spin on the story of Lot.
• Ammon wants to do our hero girl to beget another Nephilim.
• Hmm... corporate guy apparently isn't all bad. He's arming Caspar.
• Well, things are certainly looking stereotypical in regards to the girl.
• Ammon apparently doesn't like cats.
• Well, he seems to have supernatural charming powers.
• Hmm. Eli/Tom recorded Ammon's exposition.
• I guess Caspar gets to ride the horse to the rescue.
• Yes, yell as you ride so the villains will hear you coming.
• Where did this weird mechanical giant come from? Who thought that would fit into the story?
• I suspect our hero will lead it into that deep chasm.
• Yep.
• Who will be offed first? Ammon? Or his giant mummy son?
• Mummy son seems to be defending the little ritual, so I guess he'll have to go first.
• Creepy, rapey angel.
• Whose side is the helicopter on?
• Friendly, but toast.
• What's in the little camper trailer?
• Oh. Dynamite.
• And mummy son miraculously swallowed a thrown stick.
• Ew. All the slave mummies inside are coming out to attack.
• They seem fairly easy to dismember, though.
• Lunar eclipse is starting.
• Apparently Ammon fears drowning, so it's time to blow the dam.
• Come on corporate guy, you can do eet!
• (Corporate guy is the girl's dad, btw.)
• More purple tunic guys to make trouble.
• Eclipse is official now.
• But lunar eclipses don't actually look like that.
• Angel got stabbed. Can it really be that easy?
• Nope. Weird spirit form is off to stop the blowing of the dam.
• Oh, my. The artificial suspense.
• I don't think you can set off C4 by shooting it.
• The whole flooding/drowning of the villain thing seems very contrived.
• The acting was passable. Most of them were better than Caspar. The script was really, really terrible, though.
• Slow wind-down.
• Waiting for some indication that the villain isn't quite dead.
• Theoretically, it seems, there are three other giants preserved somewhere.
• "One year later"...
• They've apparently found giant number two as sequel setup.
• Quite awful. But at least it's over.