Share My Pain: Zombeavers

I was bored at home on a Saturday night, therefore bad movie. How bad? "Zombeavers" bad. Behold the trailer...

I live-commented on Facebook, and I have copied the transcript below the fold.

Looks like a medical experiment is about to go bad. (February 6 at 5:31pm)

You're going to hell, but that's not why. (February 6 at 5:31pm)

I am looking forward to these two deaths. (February 6 at 5:32pm)

And a container of stuff just got dumped in the lake, pond, whatever. (February 6 at 5:33pm)

The credit sequence is rather amusing. (February 6 at 5:33pm)

And it's more of a river than a lake or pond. (February 6 at 5:34pm)

This barrel of chemicals must be mostly empty, the way it floats. (February 6 at 5:34pm)

Rode the rapids without a ding, spontaneously breaks open when it reaches a beaver dam. That's how this is going to go. (February 6 at 5:35pm)

Three young women and a small dog in a car, going somewhere that will involve undead beavers. (February 6 at 5:37pm)

Eek! Gratuitous d**k pics. (February 6 at 5:38pm)

I am currently assuming that the girl whose boyfriend cheated on her is the heroine. (February 6 at 5:38pm)

That was a lame bit of foreshadowing. (February 6 at 5:39pm)

Prominent display of a Toyota badge. Did they put money into this? (February 6 at 5:39pm)

She sent the dog to "kill some squirrels". I suspect it will get more than it bargained for. (February 6 at 5:40pm)

Zoe is the most annoying. Jenn is the presumed heroine. Still need to catch the other name. (February 6 at 5:40pm)

Weird lady and the next cabin over. I guess she and her hubby will die to show us how dangerous the beavers are. (February 6 at 5:42pm)

No cell service. (February 6 at 5:42pm)

But there is a land line. (February 6 at 5:43pm)

Gratuitous topless shot. (February 6 at 5:44pm)

And the third one is Mary. (February 6 at 5:44pm)

Three girls in little clothing sunning themselves and swimming in rodent infested waters. (February 6 at 5:45pm)

Oh my! A bear! (February 6 at 5:46pm)

Who's the crazy old man with the rifle? (February 6 at 5:47pm)

Oh, he's "Smyth". (February 6 at 5:47pm)

There are going to be so many "beaver" jokes. (February 6 at 5:48pm)

That's a stupid drinking game. (February 6 at 5:50pm)

So where is this supposed to happen, with all the southern accents? (February 6 at 5:50pm)

And there's a knock at the door. (February 6 at 5:51pm)

Zoe opens the door (probably because she invited boys). (February 6 at 5:51pm)

Stupid prank. (February 6 at 5:52pm)

But yeah, someone invited boys. (February 6 at 5:52pm)

And apparently one of them is the cheating a-hole. (February 6 at 5:53pm)

Who is of course trying to make like everything is okay. (February 6 at 5:54pm)

Obnoxious sex scene. (February 6 at 5:54pm)

Well, that was a quick make up. (February 6 at 5:56pm)

Nice knee. (February 6 at 5:56pm)

Poor insecure jerk. (February 6 at 5:57pm)

Yikes! Killer beaver in the bathtub! (February 6 at 5:58pm)

Decent work with the baseball bat, dude. (February 6 at 5:59pm)

Naturally, it appears that it's going to recover. (February 6 at 6:01pm)

What's weird man Smyth up to? (February 6 at 6:01pm)

With a bear trap? (February 6 at 6:02pm)

The beaver body is gone in the morning. (February 6 at 6:02pm)

So, who will be killed by undead beavers today? (February 6 at 6:03pm)

And it appears that Mary is the girl that Sam cheated with. (February 6 at 6:11pm)

Oh, one of the guys just lost a foot. (February 6 at 6:05pm)

So five of them went to the raft instead of the shore. (February 6 at 6:06pm)

At least someone knows to use a tourniquet. (February 6 at 6:06pm)

Seems the beavers chewed through the land line. (February 6 at 6:07pm)

Stab it Jenn! The knife is right next to you! (February 6 at 6:08pm)

Oh, bastard used the dog as a decoy. (February 6 at 6:08pm)

Night falls. The beavers have the cabin besieged. (February 6 at 6:09pm)

Zoe spilled the beans about Sam and Mary. (February 6 at 6:12pm)

And the beavers are working on breaking in. (February 6 at 6:12pm)

There are a lot of undead beavers out there. (February 6 at 6:12pm)

If you want to save his foot, you need to put it on ice, not in a plastic bag. (February 6 at 6:13pm)

Tommy is going to try to take Buck and his foot to a hospital and send help back. Can he outrun the beavers to the car? (February 6 at 6:14pm)

Made it to the car. (February 6 at 6:14pm)

Weird neighbors finally noticed something is amiss. (February 6 at 6:15pm)

At what point is he going to reach for the dog and pet a beaver instead? (February 6 at 6:15pm)

No time at all. (February 6 at 6:15pm)

It appears the beavers dropped a tree across the road. Most tactical zombies ever. (February 6 at 6:16pm)

Found guns and an axe in a nearby pickup. Might be Smyth's. (February 6 at 6:17pm)

Ooh. They dropped a tree on Tommy. (February 6 at 6:18pm)

Smyth arrived to save Zoe and Buck. (February 6 at 6:18pm)

It is his truck. (February 6 at 6:18pm)

Fortifying the house and making lame "Die Hard" references. (February 6 at 6:19pm)

The ones outside are having to flee because the cabin is boarded up. (February 6 at 6:22pm)

They're headed for the neighbors' house. (February 6 at 6:23pm)

Things look bad inside the neighbors' house. (February 6 at 6:23pm)

And they disabled the phones at that house, too. (February 6 at 6:24pm)

Mary is looking up beaver information in a book in the cabin. (February 6 at 6:25pm)

Quiet drama scene. (February 6 at 6:26pm)

Seems they are good at tunneling… (February 6 at 6:26pm)

At least she's putting ice on the foot. (February 6 at 6:27pm)

I'm guessing this is someone's idea of a nightmare. (February 6 at 6:29pm)

So Jenn really turned into a were-zombie-beaver. Super weird. (February 6 at 6:30pm)

Nasty cauterization scene. (February 6 at 6:30pm)

Interrupted by Buck turning into a were-zombie-beaver. (February 6 at 6:31pm)

I think Smyth is a goner. (February 6 at 6:31pm)

Zoe locked herself in an upstairs room. With the dead zombiefied neighbor lady. (February 6 at 6:33pm)

And she leapt out the window to escape. I guess that's a thought. (February 6 at 6:33pm)

So it looks like Mary and Sam are left. (February 6 at 6:34pm)

Inspecting themselves for bites turns into weird time for sex. (February 6 at 6:35pm)

And a beaver accidentally sets the cabin on fire. (February 6 at 6:35pm)

Well that was a horrible way to die. (February 6 at 6:36pm)

Zoe drives the pickup through the wall to save Mary. (February 6 at 6:36pm)

Oops. Zombie Smyth. (February 6 at 6:37pm)

And the truck is wrecked. (February 6 at 6:37pm)

And even the bear from earlier is a zombie-beaver. (February 6 at 6:38pm)

Whattayaknow? The truck started. (February 6 at 6:38pm)

Can't be much of this left. Is it an "everybody dies" ending? (February 6 at 6:39pm)

Mary found a gun in the glove box and thinks Zoe is infected. (February 6 at 6:40pm)

But Mary is the one who turns. (February 6 at 6:40pm)

There should be blood on that axe. (February 6 at 6:41pm)

Not the person I expected to last the longest (subversion of stereotype). (February 6 at 6:41pm)

Oh, no. The two guys from the beginning... (February 6 at 6:42pm)

That was pretty awful, but I think "Sharknado 3" was worse. (February 6 at 6:42pm)