Sharktopus!

Sharktopus Poster

I found a source of cheap DVDs in my area. I picked up Sharktopus for $0.99. I live-commented about it on Facebook, and I have copied the transcript here so you can share my pain.

You may want to view the trailer before you start reading.

My live commentary begins after the jump.

Also, see my review at Badmovies.org.

• Preview for "Dinocroc vs Supergator". That may be in my future. (June 20 at 6:09pm)
• Self-promotion ad for Roger Corman films. A range of genius and despair. (June 20 at 6:16pm)
• Previews done. Waiting to get a couple of things done before the main event. (June 20 at 6:21pm)
• About to start. Timing may be weird, as I may pause for multiple online conversations happening. (June 20 at 6:42pm)
• It begins. (June 20 at 6:45pm)
• First girl with a line just went swimming. She is so dead. (June 20 at 6:48pm)
• Whattaya know? She escaped. (June 20 at 6:51pm)
• Aww! The guvmint/corporate masters think they have it under control. (June 20 at 6:54pm)
• Guvmint dickhead ups the ante. Corporate boss's daughter questions the order. She must be a good guy/gal. (June 20 at 7:00pm)
• Order the beast to follow a speed-boat. That'll go well. (June 20 at 7:01pm)
• Oops. Collision damaged the control module. (June 20 at 7:01pm)
• Kill switch fail. (June 20 at 7:02pm)
• Monster is loose. (June 20 at 7:02pm)
• Are the cruise-ship window-washers just comic relief? (June 20 at 7:03pm)
• Dead comic-relief, at most. (June 20 at 7:03pm)
• Unleashing a mutant sharktopus is a minor setback? (June 20 at 7:04pm)
• To a Mexican vacation spot! (Puerto Vallarta) (June 20 at 7:04pm)
• Corporate boss and daughter on site, of course. (June 20 at 7:05pm)
• "It'll feed along the coast a few days, then move on." Because that doesn't have horrible implications. (June 20 at 7:06pm)
• Aw! She found a gold doubloon! (June 20 at 7:08pm)
• Then she was dragged into the water by a sharktopus. (June 20 at 7:09pm)
• Oh, crap. That's Corman himself in a cameo. (June 20 at 7:09pm)
• Do they really still want to control "S-11" (their man-eating mutant monstrosity)? (June 20 at 7:10pm)
• There are only two tranquilizer darts that will work on the sharktopus. (June 20 at 7:10pm)
• The commando sent to capture it would rather kill it. Marginally smarter than the corporate boss. (June 20 at 7:11pm)
• Who is this stuck-up tourist? (June 20 at 7:12pm)
• Oh! She's an investigative reporter! (June 20 at 7:12pm)
• Interviewing the worst-played eye-witness ever. (June 20 at 7:13pm)
• Oh! Hello dead couple walking down the beach! (June 20 at 7:14pm)
• Girl bungie-jumps non-lethally. (June 20 at 7:14pm)
• Oh... she wants to go again... (June 20 at 7:15pm)
• Yep. Eaten on the second jump. (June 20 at 7:15pm)
• Are the heroine and hero really going to go hunting for a murder-death-monster invented for the military on such a tiny fishing boat? (June 20 at 7:16pm)
• Hero keeps the piece of shrapnel that made him appreciate life. (June 20 at 7:17pm)
• Random dead people on a yacht? (June 20 at 7:18pm)
• "Captain Jack" the "Pirate Radio" guy? (June 20 at 7:19pm)
• Hmm... they maybe be somewhat important at some point. (June 20 at 7:20pm)
• Gratuitous bikini scene. (June 20 at 7:21pm)
• Back to our investigative reporter and her intrepid photographer... (June 20 at 7:21pm)
• "Octopi are very territorial"? I should look that up... (June 20 at 7:22pm)
• Yeah... apparently only females defending eggs are in any way territorial. (June 20 at 7:23pm)
• Apparently heroine can still track the monster, even without the control device. (June 20 at 7:24pm)
• Dad sent her to "bring S-11 home". (June 20 at 7:25pm)
• Nice bunch of beach victims. (June 20 at 7:25pm)
• One down. (June 20 at 7:26pm)
• And it leaves the water, walking on its tentacles to consume more. (June 20 at 7:27pm)
• Do tentacles really work as spears? (June 20 at 7:27pm)
• Run away investigative reporter! (June 20 at 7:27pm)
• The way she says "That was horrible!" make me want her to die. (June 20 at 7:28pm)
• Oh, hero and heroine found body parts. (June 20 at 7:28pm)
• "Octopi like big rocks." That's where heroine thinks they should go. (June 20 at 7:29pm)
• Evil daddy is seeing the reporters video about the monster. (June 20 at 7:29pm)
• And the guvmint guy isn't happy. (June 20 at 7:30pm)
• "First, bring me a great big enormous scotch." (June 20 at 7:30pm)
• Sharks are voracious, octopi are smart and stealthy. Heroine thinks highly of daddy, and won't admit he's a prick. (June 20 at 7:31pm)
• Reporter is "Stacy Everhart". Who came up with that name? (June 20 at 7:32pm)
• Her boss is sending a better-known reporter to take over her story. Naturally she can't tolerate that. So they want to go out by boat to pursue the thing. That won't end in disaster. (June 20 at 7:33pm)
• Apparently hero is going diving near the rocks to try to tranq and capture the monster. (June 20 at 7:34pm)
• Daddy on the phone with guvmint guy. "Oh, don't embarrass the US Navy!" (June 20 at 7:35pm)
• That speargun wasn't loaded. (June 20 at 7:35pm)
• Heroine is so not-worried about the hero diving to tranq the monster. (June 20 at 7:36pm)
• One back-up guy dead. (June 20 at 7:37pm)
• Two. (June 20 at 7:37pm)
• Hero hit it with a spear. (June 20 at 7:37pm)
• Swim away! (June 20 at 7:38pm)
• Tranq failed, though. (June 20 at 7:38pm)
• Reporter and her guide are also in the area in a too-small boat. (June 20 at 7:39pm)
• Hero got a nasty leg wound, apparently. (June 20 at 7:39pm)
• Hero thinks the monster "planned" the attack. An ambush. (June 20 at 7:39pm)
• Oops! Heroine just found out that Daddy used additional tech to make the sharktopus more aggressive. (June 20 at 7:41pm)
• "All that matters is bringing S-11 back... baby girl." (June 20 at 7:43pm)
• How long until S-11 attacks Daddy's yacht? (June 20 at 7:44pm)
• Hero and Heroine just found Reporter Girl. (June 20 at 7:45pm)
• And Reporter girl's guide just got eaten. (June 20 at 7:45pm)
• Hero managed to keep it from eating the reporter. A chase ensues. (June 20 at 7:46pm)
• Yes. Shoot at the fin. That'll work. (I saw the MythBusters episode that shows how useless assault rifles are at submerged targets.) (June 20 at 7:47pm)
• Back to a touristy area, where dumb people can die. (June 20 at 7:47pm)
• One... two... (June 20 at 7:49pm)
• Oh, hero and heroine are bonding. (June 20 at 7:49pm)
• Oh, my. What does heroine "need to tell" the hero? (June 20 at 7:52pm)
• Reporter is on shore now. (June 20 at 7:52pm)
• Oh, she's telling hero about the enhanced aggression that Daddy implemented. (June 20 at 7:54pm)
• Hero has a lot of gratuitous shirtless scenes, if that's your thing. (June 20 at 7:54pm)
• Back to radio guy and his female assistant... (June 20 at 7:55pm)
• He is sending a radio warning. A useless one. (June 20 at 7:55pm)
• So I guess he gets to die horribly. (June 20 at 7:55pm)
• Will he die while she lives? (June 20 at 7:56pm)
• Karmic death for him. (June 20 at 7:56pm)
• Looks like gratuitous sailboat deaths. (June 20 at 7:57pm)
• Hero thinks he has triangulated the location of the monster lair. (June 20 at 7:58pm)
• Hero is chumming for sharktopus. (June 20 at 7:59pm)
• Which should take hours to work. (June 20 at 7:59pm)
• Sail boat is being eaten. (June 20 at 8:00pm)
• What? The chumming saved someone? (June 20 at 8:01pm)
• Third guy on the hero/heroine boat is so dead. (June 20 at 8:01pm)
• Yup. Bye Pedros. (June 20 at 8:01pm)
• Blood from his mouth means he's unsaveable. (June 20 at 8:02pm)
• Ah, Daddy's boat approachesl. (June 20 at 8:03pm)
• Can't have resolution until he dies karmically. (June 20 at 8:03pm)
• Reporter is on the nearby beach. (June 20 at 8:03pm)
• Yes, shoot grenades at the beast. That would only work in reality. (June 20 at 8:04pm)
• Or course it is chasing your in an intelligent manner. (June 20 at 8:05pm)
• And then ignoring you to attack tourists. (June 20 at 8:05pm)
• Just in time for your engine to die. (June 20 at 8:05pm)
• Santos? Wasn't his name Pedros? (June 20 at 8:05pm)
• Hero just dissed Daddy. (June 20 at 8:06pm)
• So Daddy is trying to dock? (June 20 at 8:07pm)
• Hero and heroine made it to shore. (June 20 at 8:08pm)
• Hero is on a "kill the monster" rampage. Heroine is following. (June 20 at 8:08pm)
• Monster moving toward shore, too. (June 20 at 8:09pm)
• Flame-fan dancing for no reason. (June 20 at 8:09pm)
• Time for sharktopus to eat the fire performers. (June 20 at 8:10pm)
• Follow the screams, hero/heroine! (June 20 at 8:10pm)
• Do we have any reason to think it even could go "up river". Not many species can tolerate the salinity change. (June 20 at 8:12pm)
• Oops, ran into Daddy and his goons. (June 20 at 8:12pm)
• Dad thinks the monster is a "miracle of science". (June 20 at 8:13pm)
• Daughter called it a "crime against nature". (June 20 at 8:13pm)
• Sharktopus showed up to eat the goons. (June 20 at 8:14pm)
• Oops, a tentacle snagged daughter while hero is incapacitated. (June 20 at 8:14pm)
• Daddy attacked to save his daughter. And died. Horribly. Still probably better than he deserved. (June 20 at 8:16pm)
• Reporter is meeting up with hero. (June 20 at 8:17pm)
• Hero, heroine, and reporter have joined up. (June 20 at 8:17pm)
• Apparently they're trying to head it off before it goes up the river. Reporter gets exclusive footage in return for not naming people. (June 20 at 8:18pm)
• Is that a zipline of horrible death? (June 20 at 8:18pm)
• This water is just a few feet deep. Less over the falls. (June 20 at 8:19pm)
• Still... dead people. (June 20 at 8:19pm)
• Monster walks on its tentacles when the water isn't deep enough. (June 20 at 8:20pm)
• Oh, the monster conveniently has an explosive "kill switch", if you can get close enough to send the signal. Basically, you have to dart it with a transmitter. (June 20 at 8:21pm)
• Gratuitous child of sadness in shallow water. (June 20 at 8:22pm)
• Oh, the sexual tension as the monster approaches! (June 20 at 8:23pm)
• Oops! Reporter had a spat with her cameraman, who left her, and was eaten off camera. (June 20 at 8:23pm)
• Now she's taking over camera duties! (June 20 at 8:24pm)
• And she dropped the camera before being eaten herself. (June 20 at 8:24pm)
• Hero had to get rid of his shirt to succeed! (June 20 at 8:25pm)
• This fight scene makes no sense. (June 20 at 8:25pm)
• She doesn't know the kill code. Bet it's her name. (June 20 at 8:26pm)
• Oh. Her pet name. "Pumpkin". (June 20 at 8:27pm)
• The end. Pretty terrible. (June 20 at 8:28pm)