Tuesday, February 09, 2016

Share My Pain: Zombeavers

I was bored at home on a Saturday night, therefore bad movie. How bad? "Zombeavers" bad. Behold the trailer...

I live-commented on Facebook, and I have copied the transcript below the fold.

Looks like a medical experiment is about to go bad. (February 6 at 5:31pm)
You're going to hell, but that's not why. (February 6 at 5:31pm)
I am looking forward to these two deaths. (February 6 at 5:32pm)
And a container of stuff just got dumped in the lake, pond, whatever. (February 6 at 5:33pm)
The credit sequence is rather amusing. (February 6 at 5:33pm)
And it's more of a river than a lake or pond. (February 6 at 5:34pm)
This barrel of chemicals must be mostly empty, the way it floats. (February 6 at 5:34pm)
Rode the rapids without a ding, spontaneously breaks open when it reaches a beaver dam. That's how this is going to go. (February 6 at 5:35pm)
Three young women and a small dog in a car, going somewhere that will involve undead beavers. (February 6 at 5:37pm)
Eek! Gratuitous d**k pics. (February 6 at 5:38pm)
I am currently assuming that the girl whose boyfriend cheated on her is the heroine. (February 6 at 5:38pm)
That was a lame bit of foreshadowing. (February 6 at 5:39pm)
Prominent display of a Toyota badge. Did they put money into this? (February 6 at 5:39pm)
She sent the dog to "kill some squirrels". I suspect it will get more than it bargained for. (February 6 at 5:40pm)
Zoe is the most annoying. Jenn is the presumed heroine. Still need to catch the other name. (February 6 at 5:40pm)
Weird lady and the next cabin over. I guess she and her hubby will die to show us how dangerous the beavers are. (February 6 at 5:42pm)
No cell service. (February 6 at 5:42pm)
But there is a land line. (February 6 at 5:43pm)
Gratuitous topless shot. (February 6 at 5:44pm)
And the third one is Mary. (February 6 at 5:44pm)
Three girls in little clothing sunning themselves and swimming in rodent infested waters. (February 6 at 5:45pm)
Oh my! A bear! (February 6 at 5:46pm)
Who's the crazy old man with the rifle? (February 6 at 5:47pm)
Oh, he's "Smyth". (February 6 at 5:47pm)
There are going to be so many "beaver" jokes. (February 6 at 5:48pm)
That's a stupid drinking game. (February 6 at 5:50pm)
So where is this supposed to happen, with all the southern accents? (February 6 at 5:50pm)
And there's a knock at the door. (February 6 at 5:51pm)
Zoe opens the door (probably because she invited boys). (February 6 at 5:51pm)
Stupid prank. (February 6 at 5:52pm)
But yeah, someone invited boys. (February 6 at 5:52pm)
And apparently one of them is the cheating a-hole. (February 6 at 5:53pm)
Who is of course trying to make like everything is okay. (February 6 at 5:54pm)
Obnoxious sex scene. (February 6 at 5:54pm)
Well, that was a quick make up. (February 6 at 5:56pm)
Nice knee. (February 6 at 5:56pm)
Poor insecure jerk. (February 6 at 5:57pm)
Yikes! Killer beaver in the bathtub! (February 6 at 5:58pm)
Decent work with the baseball bat, dude. (February 6 at 5:59pm)
Naturally, it appears that it's going to recover. (February 6 at 6:01pm)
What's weird man Smyth up to? (February 6 at 6:01pm)
With a bear trap? (February 6 at 6:02pm)
The beaver body is gone in the morning. (February 6 at 6:02pm)
So, who will be killed by undead beavers today? (February 6 at 6:03pm)
And it appears that Mary is the girl that Sam cheated with. (February 6 at 6:11pm)
Oh, one of the guys just lost a foot. (February 6 at 6:05pm)
So five of them went to the raft instead of the shore. (February 6 at 6:06pm)
At least someone knows to use a tourniquet. (February 6 at 6:06pm)
Seems the beavers chewed through the land line. (February 6 at 6:07pm)
Stab it Jenn! The knife is right next to you! (February 6 at 6:08pm)
Oh, bastard used the dog as a decoy. (February 6 at 6:08pm)
Night falls. The beavers have the cabin besieged. (February 6 at 6:09pm)
Zoe spilled the beans about Sam and Mary. (February 6 at 6:12pm)
And the beavers are working on breaking in. (February 6 at 6:12pm)
There are a lot of undead beavers out there. (February 6 at 6:12pm)
If you want to save his foot, you need to put it on ice, not in a plastic bag. (February 6 at 6:13pm)
Tommy is going to try to take Buck and his foot to a hospital and send help back. Can he outrun the beavers to the car? (February 6 at 6:14pm)
Made it to the car. (February 6 at 6:14pm)
Weird neighbors finally noticed something is amiss. (February 6 at 6:15pm)
At what point is he going to reach for the dog and pet a beaver instead? (February 6 at 6:15pm)
No time at all. (February 6 at 6:15pm)
It appears the beavers dropped a tree across the road. Most tactical zombies ever. (February 6 at 6:16pm)
Found guns and an axe in a nearby pickup. Might be Smyth's. (February 6 at 6:17pm)
Ooh. They dropped a tree on Tommy. (February 6 at 6:18pm)
Smyth arrived to save Zoe and Buck. (February 6 at 6:18pm)
It is his truck. (February 6 at 6:18pm)
Fortifying the house and making lame "Die Hard" references. (February 6 at 6:19pm)
The ones outside are having to flee because the cabin is boarded up. (February 6 at 6:22pm)
They're headed for the neighbors' house. (February 6 at 6:23pm)
Things look bad inside the neighbors' house. (February 6 at 6:23pm)
And they disabled the phones at that house, too. (February 6 at 6:24pm)
Mary is looking up beaver information in a book in the cabin. (February 6 at 6:25pm)
Quiet drama scene. (February 6 at 6:26pm)
Seems they are good at tunneling… (February 6 at 6:26pm)
At least she's putting ice on the foot. (February 6 at 6:27pm)
I'm guessing this is someone's idea of a nightmare. (February 6 at 6:29pm)
So Jenn really turned into a were-zombie-beaver. Super weird. (February 6 at 6:30pm)
Nasty cauterization scene. (February 6 at 6:30pm)
Interrupted by Buck turning into a were-zombie-beaver. (February 6 at 6:31pm)
I think Smyth is a goner. (February 6 at 6:31pm)
Zoe locked herself in an upstairs room. With the dead zombiefied neighbor lady. (February 6 at 6:33pm)
And she leapt out the window to escape. I guess that's a thought. (February 6 at 6:33pm)
So it looks like Mary and Sam are left. (February 6 at 6:34pm)
Inspecting themselves for bites turns into weird time for sex. (February 6 at 6:35pm)
And a beaver accidentally sets the cabin on fire. (February 6 at 6:35pm)
Well that was a horrible way to die. (February 6 at 6:36pm)
Zoe drives the pickup through the wall to save Mary. (February 6 at 6:36pm)
Oops. Zombie Smyth. (February 6 at 6:37pm)
And the truck is wrecked. (February 6 at 6:37pm)
And even the bear from earlier is a zombie-beaver. (February 6 at 6:38pm)
Whattayaknow? The truck started. (February 6 at 6:38pm)
Can't be much of this left. Is it an "everybody dies" ending? (February 6 at 6:39pm)
Mary found a gun in the glove box and thinks Zoe is infected. (February 6 at 6:40pm)
But Mary is the one who turns. (February 6 at 6:40pm)
There should be blood on that axe. (February 6 at 6:41pm)
Not the person I expected to last the longest (subversion of stereotype). (February 6 at 6:41pm)
Oh, no. The two guys from the beginning... (February 6 at 6:42pm)

That was pretty awful, but I think "Sharknado 3" was worse. (February 6 at 6:42pm)

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